I haven’t worked in an office environment in 5 years. For five years I’ve woke up and worn whatever I felt like wearing. No matter what, there was never a time in the past five years that I said “I can’t wear this, it looks unprofessional” Shit, I have shown up for bar shifts wearing jeans that hadn’t been washed in a week, complete with Cheetos finger prints on the thighs and buttocks and still looked people in the eye when I spoke to them.
I recently interviewed for a temp job. During the interview, they kept calling it The Position. I had to literally hold my breath to stop from giggling. “So in this position you would be …” I wanted to say “Will I always be in one position or is there the possibility to be changing positions? You know, if I get uncomfortable or cramp or something” You know it’s a job with serious responsibility when they call it The Position. Every job interview I’ve had in the past 5 years has been referred to as The Job and none of them had an official job description “Yeah so in this job you gotta cut the fruit, nobody comes in and preps for ya. Hold on, hey, don’t leave that keg there. Sorry about that, I gotta tell this guy every week, don’t leave kegs in the middle of the walkway, that would be part of The Job too, making sure the walkway is clear.” The Job is an evolving list of responsibilities. The Position is specific.
I ended up being picked for The Position and I started this week. I wake up early; too early I might add, put on my respectable clothing and make up! You really kinda have to wear make-up in an office, I think. It’s war paint. Sometimes I put a fake scar on my cheek. When people ask “What happened?” I say “Oh this? I had a little problem getting the vacation time I needed approved. You know how bosses can be” then I go back to chewing on an 8 inch slab of beef jerky.
I was feeling burnt out from bartending but I already miss TALKING to people. I forgot how you have to seek out socialization in an office setting. Literally, you have to walk up to someone’s desk – their work area- and say “hey, you busy? PLEASE TALK TO ME. I NEED PERSONAL INTERACTION” how do you ask that in a normal way? I will say, I like having the intellectual stimulation of THINKING about what I am doing. Bartending is not a heady job. In all honesty, half the time I’m working, I am 100 percent fucking off. Anything from karate kicks, to blasting Kenny Loggins, to sexual innuendos or rudimentary puns. It all happens while I am “on the job”. Don’t get me wrong, I like that. But it is nice to be reminded I can talk to sober people and participate in conversations surrounding things other than drink specials, buy backs, and never before seen drunken behaviors. The other thing is, when I have down time aka nothing to do, at the temp job, I can’t resort to drinking, alcohol that is. My temp place has free coffee, sodas, hot cocoa, tea; most of the people I meet there, I meet in the pantry. Some may even think I am in charge of the pantry. I’ve even been busted making up drink combos.
“Did you meet the new girl?”
“Yeah, she likes to talk, huh?”
“Christ, I know. What does she do? Is she like the pantry girl or something?”
“I hope not. Sometimes I go to the pantry to NOT talk”
“She did make me a hot chocolate/coffee concoction”
“Wait, she’ll make you stuff?”
“Well, she was making herself one and offered to make one for me, sooo”
“What is she like the bartender of pantry beverages?”
“I want that job!”
Everybody wants to be the bartender.
Thanks for listening.
Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
Twitter @Kendra comedy