My family loves yard sales. Even on vacation down the Cape, me and my sister did a Yard Sale Drive By. She pulled up slowly and I did a quick assessment of the offerings. I gave her a quick shake of the head and, before she hit the gas,
Me: Nope, bunch of junk.
We took off in a cloud of smoke. Ok just dusty sand, really. That is about as thug as we get. Next time, I am going to have my money in my hand hanging out the window, goading the salespeople, then … pedal to the metal, sister!
The Yard Sale Drive By has to be the most insulting of the drive bys. The seller is there hopeful and vulnerable , standing amongst the items they made the decision to purchase in the past, hoping that other’s will make the same bad decision they made 13 years ago. Then we pull up and with just a glance decide “We don’t want your stuff either. We can tell from 20 feet away. We don’t want to come closer” I don’t know if it is worse when you actually walk around and look at a few things and then leave, no price inquisitions to be had. The nonverbal commentary is “I parked because I thought you had good stuff but after taking a closer look, it’s all crap. Off to buy some scratch tickets. Got to spend this money somewhere; it is Saturday morning, ya know”
I always feel I have to buy something on the weekends.
I turned my mother on to a virtual yard sale on Facebook. Monday somebody posted “Crock Pot- Quick Sale” I had the pleasure of riding shot gun with my mother when it happened.
Me: Oh my God. Somebody posted in the Virtual Yard Sale “Crock Pot- Quick Sale”
Mom: Just a crock pot? That’s all they are selling?
Me: Yeah and they prefer to do it quickly. Why they hell would somebody need to get rid of a crock pot lickety-split?
Mom: How much?
Me: I didn’t even look. (beat) FIFTY DOLLARS!
Mom: Yeah, good luck with that, sweatheart. What is she selling it from the nuthouse? Put O.P. : Over Priced.
Me: No way. I’m not heckling the virtual yard sale people.
Mom: Oh please. Who cares? She needs to know. People get delusional over the value of their junk. I was at a yard sale the other day, I saw a toaster, just a regular 2 slice toaster, at a yard sale, TWENTY DOLLARS! I saw a lady fondling it. I wanted to say “I’ll GIVE you my used toaster so I don’t have to bear witness to a stupid purchase” You can get a NEW toaster for $20.I mean, seriously? How can you be so unfamiliar with the price of toasters? I mean, what an ass egg.
I suggested my mother start up a Reasonable Yard Sale Prices Seminar.
She said “Yeah, right” and screeched into the T.J. Maxx parking lot.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.